2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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