God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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