Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
