did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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