I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
