You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
