UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
