I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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