were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
