This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize