when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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