Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize