This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
