you didnt know i had herpes?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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