I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize