i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
