I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
