I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
