my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
