you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
