Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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