I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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