I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
