So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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