so explain again why im purple
no
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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