it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
