his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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