He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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