girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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