I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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