Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
