dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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