FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Randomize
