Yo dont text me then not text me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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