god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
