I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize