I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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