our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
