I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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