I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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