so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
