When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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