My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
