Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize