haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
