Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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