Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
