I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
