It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
