I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
