So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
