I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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