I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize