Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
