I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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