I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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