I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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