Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
