I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
